You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
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Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.