♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life