They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
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Geez man, take it easy.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.