Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
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I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.