#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
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I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I camp so other people don’t have to.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?