If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
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Fluff me with a fork baby
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans