If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
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Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Pandas 🐼🖤
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”