Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
You Might Also Like
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Maths meets science
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.