If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
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[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.