Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
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Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
i want the dreams to chase me for once
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.