I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
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[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
“No way.” -Jose
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
A roof is a house hat.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Shoo shoo! 😂
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no