Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
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Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
The first matador
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.