Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
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When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent