her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
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me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
this post was so formative to me
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.