I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
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At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.