“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Oceanography is all about current events
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer