Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.