2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
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What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I’m having an out of money experience.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-