[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
12. I think about this all the damn time
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Autocarrot sucks!
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
Jogging
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.