Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
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If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
My dog ate my work from home.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Boating season is upon us.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin