HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”