I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
scrabbled eggs
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
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Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Whoa… oh I see lol
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.