My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
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My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”