Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
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When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The struggle is real
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to