Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
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The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?