I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
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The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*