I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere