How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
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If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
All I wanna do is
[gun shot noise]
[cash register noise]
[organ noise]
[saxophone noise]
[cow noise]
[cat noise]
Fix this broken synthesizer
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Always
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.