[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day