POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors