Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
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My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower