Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
You Might Also Like
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Social Media and Real life
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No