OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
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Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
my whole life consists of people asking me if i鈥檝e seen this movie and me telling them no i haven鈥檛 seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i鈥檒l add it to the list but there is no list and i won鈥檛 watch that movie
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
袉 never thought 袉 wouId say th褨s, and 褨t took me a wh褨le to come to terms, but 袉 th褨nk 袉 ate too much bacon.
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
*Handed a baby*
Awww he鈥檚 so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Favourite diary entry ever
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.