[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
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Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
remember
only for emergencies
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.