Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
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Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Labreador
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant