[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
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dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her