If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
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The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers