*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
shit, they caught us—run!!!
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.