Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
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What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
marvel comics have peaked
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?