Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
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I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Tough love is true love
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that