“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
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What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
they should invent a rest for the wicked