Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
having children is a pyramid scheme.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.