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Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
They’re on their honeymoon
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream