Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
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*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
The struggle is real.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany