[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
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My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
What an awful time to have common sense.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most