Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
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I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
My hips? Compulsive liars.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did