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This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame