Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
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Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”