My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
You Might Also Like
They also CAN sing✌️
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job