“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
You Might Also Like
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
This has made my week.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
2023 was just a warmup
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.